“Jets”pectations

We’re all excited the Jets are back. A 7^th team to Canada, finally. But why are we excited? What have the Jets ever done that made them any different from the current 6 Canadian teams we have now?  Technically, the only thing different is that they utterly failed as a hockey club and had to move to Phoenix as a result.

But now it’s time for a rebirth, a second coming. The Jets have returned. With all eyes on them, what is it that they have to expect? And what do we have to expect from them? Let’s break it down.

The Fan Base

Fortunately for the Jets, they will have an instant advantage over their former selves back in Atlanta. They will have an extremely loyal fan base full of hockey starved Manitobans for years to come. They will sell loads of merchandise, Rick Rypien may even get his first jersey sold ever.

Nice signing, Jets

Every game they will have will be sold out, most likely for somewhere around 5 years. However, they will still suck, they are still, for all intents and purposes, the Atlanta Thrashers (made the playoffs once) even with the ever-reliable Ilya Kovalchuk. There will be lots of suffering.

The Division

For the 2011-12 season the Jets will be playing in the Eastern Conference…in the SE division. Meaning that they will have to travel thousands of kilometers to play every division game. Sucky. And while they will most likely be moved into the NW division, even though the travel will decrease, the rivalry will simply become that much worse, with four Canadian teams in one division. Western Canada will quickly hate you Jets, and get used to it, we can be mean.

Mind you, this is a nucks fan. They're all pretty f*cked up

The City

Some pretty amazing players have come from Winnipeg you’d have to admit. Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Sharp and let us not forget Mr. Dustin Penner. But the city itself has some drawbacks. To start it off, Winnipeg means “Muddy Water” in Cree. Attractive. Second, boring city. It has no big city attractions that so many rich people love to spend money on, and it’s surrounded by prairies. Flat prairies. Lastly, it’s cold. The dry weather and wind causes it to go right to the bone and force tears straight from your eyes. The weather in the Peg can turn any man into a whimpering little boy.

Do you feel lucky Johnny? O-du-ya? HA! Wordplay.

With all of these things coming to them, it’s guaranteed to be an exciting year. An inaugural season for a Canadian hockey team! Even despite all of these ridiculous drawbacks, it will be awesome to see a scoreboard even mention the Jets name, even if it is “Red Wings 7 Jets 0”. Bring on 2011-2012!!

Royal Wedding Gambling

Quickly, think about the best part about a wedding. If you said getting drunk and embarrassing yourself in front of your extended family, then you are correct. If you answered witnessing true love or something annoying like that, then you most likely will not enjoy this post.
Let’s face it; besides the party at the end of the night, weddings are pretty boring. A dry ceremony where two white people are repeating things a priest says? Gag me with a spoon! For some reason, people all around the world have been forced to care about a wedding that has 0 implications whatsoever on their daily lives. Unless your name is Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, you aren’t getting drunk at this wedding. You aren’t even invited! I am of course talking about the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.
We here at the Morning Whiteboard have found a way to make this wedding a little more fun to watch because honestly, if you’re up at 4 am watching a wedding, we figure you’re probably still drunk from the night before, or desperate like us to see some really rich people mess up a wedding. So here is a guide to some wagers that you can use with your friends while watching this wedding. Have fun! Tell your friends.

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What’s that you say? You want a printer friendly version? FINE. Click here.

My Superstitions as a Hockey Fan.

Sidney Crosby is possibly one of the most superstitious players in the NHL. Just to give you an idea of how crazy this guy is, he still wears his old jock from his junior days. At the arena, he walks the long way to the locker room to avoid walking past the visitor locker room and stays a certain distance from a certain pole every time. On game days, at precisely 4 pm, he eats the same PB and J sammich and his linemates must sit beside him in the same seats. Pascal Dupuis on his right. Maxime Talbot on his left.

He’s a player, playing a game that he lives and dies for. I’m a fan. Does this mean that my craziness doesn’t mean anything? Now that the hockey season is (practically) over, I can talk about some of the weird ticks and superstitions I have developed as a hockey fan over the years.  How much of a fan am I? Sometimes I consider myself THE fan. I hold my team in higher regard than some people that I know in real life, and not some crazy life where I pretend I know NHL hockey players.

Ahem.

In the 2005-2006 season, I didn’t wash my (Phaneuf) jersey once. Relax, I know what you’re thinking. Ew, but give me a break, it was his rookie year.  He’s still a decent defenseman, but probably not a captain calibre player. Hey, it’s the Leafs. The jersey smelled pretty funky. It was covered in food stains and spilled beer, mostly, and I’m pretty sure it glowed in the dark by the end of the season.

I follow a lot of Flames fans on Twitter and I almost got rid of my Twitter account based on one game, after reading all the people jumping ship. I was seeing so much of what I thought was disloyalty from what I thought were überfans like myself. They were however being realistic while I was still in playoff denial. I ended up coming to my senses and moving on.

I get really angry at people who diss my team. Not in a way that I would fight them, because I’m not a violent person, but in a way that I will never forgive them for saying something like that to my face. They could even say something about my face, and it probably wouldn’t offend me as much as if they said something about my team.

I once cockblocked my friends on a trip to Vegas, when a girl would not shut up about how much better the Maple Leafs were than the Flames. That girl had to go. I let her have it. I still somewhat regret that.

On game days, I will not wear a colour remotely similar to that of the opposing team. If the Flames were playing the Oilers and I, for some reason, just happened to have a black eye that day, you better believe I would use some concealer to cover up the black and blue.

If we are playing an American team, I will not only avoid singing the anthem, I will try my hardest to block out the words from even entering my brain. Nine times out of ten, if you saw me with a deadpan look in my face staring off into space, it means the Star – Spangled Banner is playing at a Flames game. The other 1/10th of times I look braindead, is probably when I’m thinking about apple pie. (I love apple pie.)

I don’t take a gulp of my beer when the other team does something right, as if it is some kind of subconscious validation for outplaying my team. Similarly, when the opposing team scores, I will not say anything. I will simply have a look of disappointment in my eyes, like a parent would when they find out that their child killed a family of squirrels with a snow shovel. No? Just me?

I once told one of my good friends, who is a Canucklehead, that if the Flames made it to the first round and beat the Canucks, I would burn her house down as a celebration. I think I almost meant it too.

Am I a crazy person? Probably. Do crazy people ever go on to accomplish great things? Of course they do. Look at Mike Tyson, or Vincent Van Gogh or Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs. They all went on to mutilate somebody’s ear off. Wait… was that my point? Eh, I’ll be fine.

Czech+Slovakia?

While it has now been over a year since the 2010 Olympic Games, the memories are still relatively fresh in the minds of most Canadians. None more so than the men’s ice hockey tournament.

How did Thornton's visor get so foggy?

There was much hype surrounding the big powers of the tournament (Sweden, USA, Russia and, of course, Canada) prior to the games. However, despite having relatively strong teams during the Games, Slovakia and the Czech Republic were never really seen as medal contenders.

With less than stellar international records, the Czechs(5^th) have fallen a ways from their historical high of 2^nd place and the Slovaks(8^th) have dropped from their  high at 3^rd place back in 2003.

Both countries are in need of a game changer (read GAME CHANGER!!). And with this, I have developed a proposal:

THE REUNIFICATION OF THE CZECH REPUBLIC AND SLOVAKIA!!! (even if only for a silly hockey tournament)

Now at first this may seem like a strange suggestion, but with both hockey clubs having relatively strong players and a rich hockey history, there is no question that they would perform greatly, perhaps even as greatly as Russia during 2010.

While I am unfamiliar with the players prior to the Velvet Revolution of 1989, I have personally taken upon the task of cross analyzing the two teams’ hockey rosters at the Vancouver Olympics.

I have named my new team the Slovaki-Czechs ™

In goal we would have two high-caliber goalies in Jaroslav Halak and Tomas Vokoun, who could both vie for a starter position, with Ondrej Pavelec acting as third string. (Budaj would have to be cut, sorry Petes)

The SlovakiCzechianonianites would have a strong defensive core with the current Bruins defense of Zdeno Chara and Tomas Kaberle. Offense can be provided by Lubomir Visnovsky if he so chooses.

With both teams forwards being already quite solid, the offense would receive a strong bolstering with highlights including: Jaromir Jagr, Marian Gaborik, Pavol Demitra, Martin Havlat, Patrik Elias, Tomas Plekanec and Marian Hossa (..and brother Marcel too..I guess?)

I'm pretty sure he could still kick my ass

Chara and Elias could battle it out for captaincy (my money’s on the big one)

In his defense, Savard's not huuuge guy

While I’m not guaranteeing a gold medal performance by my stellar hybrid, this fusion of talent couldn’t possibly hinder them. However, having a talented roster does not necessarily equal success (see Team Canada: Torino 2006). My proposal for the coming Olympics in Sochi is already in the works. Wish my boys the best of luck.

DISCLAIMER: In no way was this article meant to offend or infuriate the great nations of the Czech Republic or Slovakia. For all political backlash, please contact bawahong.

The A&W Lonely Man Challenge

Welcome to TMW Challenges. We make ridiculous propositions all the time, and we figured we’d start documenting them. In this section, we will be regularly challenging each other to dumb challenges and keeping track of who is better at keeping their word.

Today, I’m hungry, I’m lazy, I’m poor, and I have a page full of coupons for A&W. Winning combination. I’m pretty hungry and I’m saying I can eat 2 Mozza burgers, 2 orders of fries and 2 drinks. I will be using a “2 can dine for $10.99″ coupon all  for one sad, little person, hence the Lonely Man. I think it’s possible. Jon thinks otherwise. The rules are : I have an hour to eat and drink all of it, in no particular order.

Here we go.

After ordering, I made a crucial error. I took a sip while in the car, so my hour started in the car. I had to start eating right there. Not good.

When I got back to the house, I had a set strategy going in. I knew that if I ate faster, my brain wouldn’t be able to tell my body fast enough that I was full. I’m about to take you to school. Leptin, a regulatory protein hormone is released in the hypothalamus to control metabolism by inhibiting appetite. However this process is delayed and independent by how fast you eat.  Basic biology, people. I  ate the burgers in 10 minutes, no problem. But then, problems arose.

Midway through the fries, the fullness started to set in. I was stuffing my face with fries and washing them down with the root beer. By the time I finished the fries I had 8 minutes to finish my second full root beer and the tomatoes (which I don’t eat normally).Rather than blow grits all over the table, I gave up.

I threw in the towel. So much for being a fat slob right?

Challenge failed.

Pictures below:

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My Constant Struggle with Jogging

We’ve never really gotten along, running and I. It seems to always get the best of me. No matter what i listen to, no matter what i eat, no matter how aerodynamic i am in my cutoffs…. I always lose the battle.

Every day that i go to the gym, I am taunted by superfit joggers that run past me 6 or 7 hundred times with an air of smugness at having tireless batman legs. Very demoralizing.

is this so much to ask?

But I have had it, i will run, while listening to the flock of seagulls the whole way.

The Beginning
Child’s play! I am a Champion. I am the cheetah. I am unstoppable. As my feet pound the pavement, I join into the chorus of smugness that surrounds me with my fellow long distance runners.  We run together like a pack of wolves, a super sexy, adrenaline filled pack of wolves. I say bring on the next 50 kms! I have made the transformation!

The End
The darkness. It’s beginning to surround me slowly as my heart beats through my chest onto my sweat and tear drenched tracksuit. My pace has gradually slowed to that of a crawling infant. My fellow wolves have long since deserted me. And the chafing! Oh, the chafing. I feel like a wounded gazelle crossing the Serengeti, surrounded by kitana wielding lion-bears. It’s no wonder I was picked off in tag so quickly back in grade school. This game is done.

fair fight.

Back to the elliptical!